I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
