good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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