Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
