You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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