Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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