So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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