Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
