So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
