Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
