I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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