tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
