i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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