Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish you could order shots online.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
