My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
