I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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