I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
