You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
