Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
