I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
