Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
