someone get that fucking seahorse.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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