I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the room spins SO much faster in panama
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
