So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
