I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
