I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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