Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
