I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
