I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
