We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
did i walk over a car last night?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
