It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
