TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
