You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
