I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
