I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
