she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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