we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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