There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize