I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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