I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
