I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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