peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
