Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
