you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
