Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
