If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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