The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
