if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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