i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
