My sheets look like a crime scene.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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