all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize