we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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