Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
