And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize