Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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