Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
