Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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