It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm passing your future prison.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
