I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
