If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
