Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
