I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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