Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
