Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
